Brother-in-Law

Don’t worry, this is only about a particular one. Of course, if he just happens to read this, I really don’t give a crap.

Dealing with various family dramas is like waking up; it just instinctively happens. However, I have to question those who seem to create so much drama around them as either attention-starved or seriously lacking social skills or, say, maybe a conscience. As self-centered as some people can be, nothing beats my partner’s brother and his wife. I can’t blame their newfound religion (they’re Pentecostal) so much as their using this religion to be complete asses.

My partner and his mother have been planning a trip out this way for quite some time now and bringing along my partner’s brother’s two older kids. We made plans to go see the Broadway show of The Lion King by purchasing tickets (in the fifth row back, mind you) and his mother booked a hotel with a pool so the kids could go swimming, as well as taking a trip to the Oregon Zoo and OMSI. A lot to pack into two days, but planned out to make it work nonetheless.

Then last night my partner’s mother called. Apparently The Pentecostal One has decided to lay down some ground rules. The kids cannot go see The Lion King… it’s too provocative, what with all those puppets and costumes… and the kids cannot go swimming because they don’t believe in wearing swimsuits for fear that they will not receive the keys to heaven. If you think I am joking, assuredly I tell you, I am not. As my partner is discussing this situation with his mother, I ask if the kids also cannot go to the zoo because the animals don’t wear shirts. I’m sure that OMSI will also be banned from the list of “appropriate” places the children can go because it is fact-based science.

These same parents are fine with their youngest daughter having constant constipation because they refuse to feed her real food except hordes of bananas and fast food Chinese orange chicken. These same parents are fine with their oldest daughter not going to school because she has a hard time getting up in the morning because her parents stay up until three and keep her up too, because then she is able to babysit the youngest while they go wash windows somewhere instead of getting an education, which, her being a girl, is not important because her role in life is to get married and become a nurturer. These same parents encourage their son to do well in school because his role is to get married and become a provider. These same parents are adamant that their children not go swimming because it is sinful or watch The Lion King because there are black people in it… or at least, that is what I can gather from their odd behavior.

So now I think we’re just going to ask that since the kids are not allowed to do anything that maybe they stay home with their righteous mother and father. I’m sure they will be disappointed as they seemed really excited to see The Lion King and go to the zoo, but alas, perhaps their father can explain why he thinks they will go to hell if they do. Of course, I’m sure he thinks our gayness will rub off on the kids and they will become homosexuals too because we all know that is how that works. As my partner so frequently says, “Parenthood is sometimes wasted on the wrong people.”