Getting Over Failures

It seems my anger over being laid off from The Most Evil Corporation in the World still hasn’t subsided. Apparently simply telling myself to get over it doesn’t work.

So, with that in mind, I’m attempting to figure out the root causes for my anger every time somebody mentions the name of The Most Evil Corporation in the World or I see a sign, ad, or commercial. Is it rage or resentment? Or is it simply a matter of being injured by a company I spent so long defending only to have it bite me in the ass? Perhaps it really is just the latter. Honestly, I don’t take betrayal very well and that is what it felt like.

Over the past two years I’ve tried to figure out a way to prevent myself from going through something like that again by focusing on my cake decorating business, but setbacks both financially and legally impede on that solving any of my problems. I then started up my Etsy shop in hopes that if I spent my time a little more wisely I could at least supplement what little income we have, but my lack of focus and clear lack of ambition has dug me into a much deeper hole than I was in before losing my job.

Looking back at the jobs I’ve held, it is obvious I’ve had ambitions. Starting work at a fast food restaurant in high school, I was practically an assistant manager before graduating. I say practically because I had all the responsibilities of an assistant but at half the pay, which prepared me to apply for an assistant manager position that I was told I pretty much had, only to have them retract that promise after I took out a loan on a car. Without the extra income I wasn’t going to be able to keep the car and ended up voluntarily having it repossessed.

Within a few months I was looking for another job, which I found working at a hotel reservation center. While there wasn’t much room for advancement at this particular job, there were other ways to grow. I positioned myself as the go to person for making posters and promoting community fundraising events, which eventually became a full-time endeavor. For four months I had my own desk and felt like I could actually use my creative talents and turn them into a paycheck. However, New Year’s Day I came to work to find my desk cleaned out and everything packed carelessly into a box with an explanation that my job was to take reservations, not make posters. This wasn’t done by my direct supervisor or my boss or even my boss’s boss, but by the person who had a cubicle next to me and wanted to use both of them for her stuff. Feeling defeated, I went back onto the sales floor and resumed taking reservations and within a few weeks I was back into the swing of things. That is, until I received a call from a customer asking if a certain merger was about to happen and I answered I wasn’t sure. A few more calls from other people led me to ask my boss about it. This apparently was a mistake. I got a call that night from my supervisor informing me that I was going to be called into a meeting with her and the boss with the intention of firing me over discussing confidential information. Really? I never confirmed nor denied the merger to any of the people I talked to and now I was going to be fired for something the public clearly knew before we did? This prompted me to write my letter of resignation, which turned out to be four pages long, and which I made copies of and put into everybody’s mailbox. A bit of an overreaction? Undoubtedly, but with this letter I think I created an atmosphere of mistrust and within a year the reservation center was closed down due to the merger with the largest hotel chain in the world. All I could think at the time was Knud Schleussen (it’s an inside joke, so only a select few who worked at the reservation center at the time of The Great Knud Schleussen Debacle will get this reference.)

Months went by without a paycheck and depression set in. My relationship with my partner became strained to the point where it almost ended. Then I applied for The Most Evil Corporation in the World, was interviewed and hired in the span of an hour and spent the next 9 years working there. Starting out as a temporary seasonal worker, by year’s end I had not only gotten full time status but three raises. Eventually I worked myself up to Department Manager which also got me into the Safety Team which I ended up taking over for a couple years. Time passed, the best boss I’ve ever had stepped down, and the person who replaced her was arguably the worst boss I’ve ever had. When working in a retail store, one in which customer service is a key component to its success, cussing out customers and employees and berating them in front of other customer and other employees should not be tolerated, but apparently with this person it was. The first opportunity I had to take over another department I jumped at it. While I went from the smallest department in terms of items to the second largest in terms of items, the transition was fairly smooth. This was due highly in part to generous help from the previous Department Manager of that department and a District Manager who actually cared about her people succeeding. Of course, anything this good was meant to eventually fade, which it did. However, with only a select few who actually knew how to run the department, I felt like I was in a safe position… even a couple years after when other Department Managers were suddenly being let go for absurd reasons. When out of the blue I was called into the Manager’s office, I jokingly told another Department Manager I must be next on the list. It came as quite a shock when they told me I was. I fought to keep my job, even offering to step down into another department, but they told me I should have done that months ago instead of while I was on the chopping block. Trying to keep a positive attitude about the whole situation, I informed them that I was looking at this as an opportunity to branch out and try something different, but inside I could barely contain my rage.

After months of unsuccessful job searching, I felt defeated yet again. I began to only do the bare minimum to keep my unemployment checks coming, and every once in a while would get the urge to look a little harder only to still get no response back from prospective employers. And through it all I kept my anger towards The Most Evil Corporation in the World, but why? Why after two years do I still hold such resentment and disdain towards my former employer for letting me go to profit even more from the recession by saving more money getting rid of full time employees with benefits and only hiring part time employees without? And there was my answer. I wasn’t angry just at my situation, but at the situation as a whole. I spent so long defending the principles which this company was supposed to stand for, only to have everything people warned me about happen to me and those around me. Watching and reading what the founder of the company had implemented to create an atmosphere of ownership and pride in its employees being shoved out the door for a new atmosphere of do it our way or get out created a shift that will eventually come back to haunt the company. The trouble is that the desperation people have in these hard economic times, the last thing on their mind is fairness while at the forefront is where they can get the cheapest goods to provide for their families and themselves. And to this, The Most Evil Corporation in the World has profited on people’s fears and uncertainties while decreasing their payroll and increasing their profit margins.

Gone are the days of good customer service and gone are the days of employees taking pride and ownership in their jobs. For now, if they have a job and a steady paycheck they are the lucky ones. I think it is time for me to accept the fact that my eventual departure from The Most Evil Corporation in the World was inevitable as my personal beliefs were no longer shared by my employer. I think it is time for me to let go of the anger I have towards The Most Evil Corporation in the World and move on with my life so I can find another job, one in which I don’t feel threatened for believing that good customer service is more beneficial than always making the sale. I think it is time for me to stop referring to my former employer as The Most Evil Corporation in the World, and start using its actual name when talking about them and hope that will heal the wounds they have given me.