Ambition

Some people are driven to be independent and others codependent. Sadly I am the latter.

Anyone who knows me knows that, well, I’m not all that ambitious. Hell, the most ambitious thing I’ve done was start this blog! I mean, I have ideas and dreams of what I’d like in life, but as far as putting my life in track to accomplish said goals, I just don’t seem to have the drive. A part of it is overthinking the big picture and becoming overwhelmed with all of the possible ways I could fail at any given endeavor. I’m quirky like that. But it all boils down to one thing… fear.

As a child, I tried to fit in as best as I could, hiding parts about me that I knew would cause some people to shudder. That trend went all the way through school, even though my senior year of high school I did start to loosen up somewhat, but not much. After much teasing from classmates about my hearing aids I stopped wearing them. Oh, sure, I’d put them on before leaving the house for school, but middle school was dreadful if you were even the slightest bit different. Okay, so it wasn’t that bad, as going to an inner city school had the advantages of incredible diversity, but it was fear of what might happen if I was teased even one more time for not being able to hear as well as everyone else. That and having a bladder problem. I don’t know how many times I peed my pants in class because I had to wait until a certain time to go. Fortunately a doctor’s note took care of that issue, but it wasn’t until middle school that was put into place and by then I was better able to control myself. That and knowing that I could just get up and walk out of the classroom without permission at anytime if I had to go eased the pressure of trying to hold it in. It still didn’t stop me from carrying an extra pair of underwear and sometimes pants in my backpack just in case.

The contradictory thing about me is that I have all these fears about not wanting people to think I am a failure with no ambitions in life, and yet I create self-imposed barriers that keep me trapped in circumstances that reflect just that. I don’t know if I can be successful at doing something I love for a living, but I have these silly fears of not even wanting to take the risk and try. So instead of taking the plunge into the unknown I stick with the familiar routine of relying on others.

I’m comfortable in the fact that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, but after having a long conversation last night with my partner I am not comfortable simply living life by just barely surviving for the sake of survival. I’m not comfortable knowing that even the smallest financial setback at this point would be disastrous. The only comfort I can take is that my partner will find a job. He worked incredibly hard to become a teacher and just because school districts aren’t hiring right now, eventually they will have to. He set a goal and stuck to it, now it is my turn to make a goal and do what I have to do to see that goal through to fruition. I may not be that ambitious, but if I can stop freaking out about the minutia within the big picture and focus on one step at a time, I know I can accomplish anything I set my mind out to do.